jonchristiansen.net Blog

OK, so the new GaGa video is fierce….here’s my interpretation,

THE JOB – URINE TEST (I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on the back!)

I HAVE TO PASS A URINE TEST FOR MY JOB… SO I AGREE 100%.  Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck,I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?  Understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?  Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don’t. Hope you all will pass it along, though . . . Something has to change in this country — and soon.

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.”

So, apparently I have a high skewl reunion coming up.  That’s really fucking with my mind.  I’ve asked the skewl librarian to email me a copy of the year book because I can’t for the life of me remember any of these bitches I went to HS with.  It’s like WTF?  Who are these people?  I actually spent 4 years of my life, 8 hours a day with all of these bitches and I can’t seriously remember a single one.  Plus, this librarian chick, who was super nice to have emailed me this shit only sent me like 100 pictures.  Now, my skewl had about 2,500 people, so the senior class had to be about 400 at least.  What happened to the other 300 people?

Anyway…it’s pretty fucked up that I have a 10 (achmmm…cough…cough….cough) year reunion coming up.  I still feel like I’m 18.  WTF?  That’s some pretty fucked up shit right thar.  I still remember the senior talent show where I played guitar on “What About Love”.  It was fucking YESTERDAY!!!  HEART still fucking RULES!!!

As I’m sitting here trying to listen to some Debbie Gibson a bug flew in my eye.  It was pretty bothersome.  I tried rubbing my eye and that just made it worse.  So I tried talking to the bug.  I was all like, “Hey, Bug!  Get out of my fucking eye.”  And the bug didn’t answer, it just kept bothering my eye and I couldn’t concentrate on the lyrics.  I got half way through the chorus of “Shake Your Love” before that fucking bug was bothering my eye again.  I had to end up going to look in the mirror and it turns out it was just an eyelash.  Oh well, my bad.  It was still a very bothersome experience.

Damn, I keep forgetting to update this shit.

I went to the Bay Cafe with some relatives who were visiting. We ate while waiting for a bay cruise. I had a $9 cheeseburger (Which was delicious.  Probably had spit in it) and a $5 glass of white wine piss water in a Dixie cup. Total $14. I sign the receipt for $14. When I check my bank statement a few days later I see that the Bay Cafe actually charged me $16.80. $2.80 more than the receipt I signed. What is this for? I don’t know. It’s exactly 20%, did they add a tip without asking AFTER I signed the receipt? Who knows? Should I have tipped for standing in line and ordering and then going up to get my meal when they call my number just like McDonalds? NOT! Beyond that, I can’t get an explanation from anyone at the Bay Cafe. I called on the day I discovered the overcharge and got voicemail even though it was during business hours. I tried calling the main office to the cruise excursions, who runs the cafe, and also got voicemail during business hours. After 2 days of calling I finally reached the cafe and the woman who answered was EXTREMELY rude even before I told her why I was calling. She refused to let me speak to a manager and even refused to give me his name. When I asked for the 3rd time she said “John”. Could be his name, but I have a feeling she made it up. I later got a hold of the main office who put me to the voice mail of someone named Brad Ingel who is supposed to be in charge of everything. Still awaiting his call, I’m not hopeful to receive a call back. Yes, it is only $2.80, but imagine all of the tourists who come in from overseas and don’t realize they’ve been ripped off due to the varying exchange rates. And who is going to call to get a $2.80 refund if they are from overseas? Quite a racket they have going. I plan on disputing the entire charge with my bank and reporting these crooks to every consumer agency I can find.

Later I finally got a hold of them and the same stupid bitch answers the phone and again gives me the third degree before she’ll let me speak with the manager.  Just transfer my call, BITCH!  It turns out his name is actually John.  He comes on and gives me a fucking attitude.  Really, dude?  I’ve called a dozen times because you’ve ripped me off and you’re giving ME an attitude.  He passes me on to some stupid bitch in accounting, Miriam Dominguez, who actually emails me in broken English.  This scheming ignorant bitch tells me that it is MY BANK who takes an additional 20% authorization in the event that I want to leave a tip and they do this for EVERY restaurant.  FIRST THE FUCK OF ALL, BITCH…YOU’RE “CAFE” IS A FUCKING BURGER STAND!!!!  Why the fuck would I give a 20% tip to someone at a fucking burger stand?  Secondly, I eat out for lunch EVERY Fucking DAY and have banked at the same bank for 10 years, don’t you fucking think I’d notice before now if MY BANK were holding an additional 20% authorization every time I eat at a restaurant?  Lastly, I’ve worked with credit cards before, BITCH!  I know the difference between an authorization and a charge.  I’ve NEVER been to a place or worked at a place where you authorize more AFTER the customer has signed the final receipt.

At the end of the day they only charged $14 and not the $16.80.  If totally fucking sure that if I hadn’t called and been a bitch about it that they would have charged the full $16.80.  I mean SERIOUSLY, WTF?  These people are totally ripping people off and hoping that nobody notices.  FUCK YOU BAY CAFE!   FUCK YOU SAN DIEGO HARBOR EXCURSIONS!

By the way, I just checked my messages and this dumb fuck Brad Ingles, the “In Charge” guy just left a message.  FIVE FUCKING DAYS LATER!  I didn’t even bother to listen to it yet.  We’ll see what this lazy fuck has to say.

Ann Coulter Quotes

“These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s deaths so much.” -on 9/11 widows who have been critical of the Bush administration

“We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens’ creme brulee. That’s just a joke, for you in the media.”

“Liberals love America like O.J. loved Nicole.”

“There are a lot of bad republicans; there are no good democrats.”

“We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.”

“Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots.”

“We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.”

“Liberals are stalwart defenders of civil liberties — provided we’re only talking about criminals.”

“The New York Times editorial page is like a Ouija board that has only three answers, no matter what the question. The answers are: higher taxes, more restrictions on political speech and stricter gun control.”

“My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building.”

“Usually the nonsense liberals spout is kind of cute, but in wartime their instinctive idiocy is life-threatening.”

“We’ve finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don’t want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States.”

“If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam — oh wait, he does.”

“Press passes can’t be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President.”

“The swing voters — I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster.”

Asshole

My blog is not meant to be read by douchebags named Paul Raposo.  Fuck you, dude!

So…I’ve been taking a writing class.  It’s a community college type of thing and since it’s in West Hollywood I’d hoped that there would be hot guys there.  I was sadly mistaken as the class is mostly filled with hot mess and old people.  Anyway…I deal. 

On Monday I assumed the session would be the same as usual…wrong!  A few minutes after the class starts I look up and see this vision walking into the room and he comes right up and sits directly in front of me.  I hear the sound of a choir and the voices of angels.  This guy is STUNNING!  The only word to describe him is stunning, STUNNING!  My idea of the PERFECT man.  After five weeks this Heaven sent creature walks in.  Wow!

Needless to say I didn’t hear a fucking word the instructor said for the next hour and a half as I sat with my mouth open, totally focused on this guy.  I think she caught me staring at him a few times too.  Oh well.  I totally composed poems in his honor and even named our children and decided where they’d go to university.  I think Princeton will do.

When the half point of the class came we were given a break.  I rushed to the rest room to check myself out and make sure I was presentable enough to meet my husband.  When I got back out these two WHORE SKANK CUNT SLEEZEBAG BITCHES were already talking to him.  Cock blocking TRASH!  I thought for a moment about interrupting them and knocking the whores down onto the pavement, but I didn’t want to make a bad impression on him.  One of these chicks already told the class that she’s a young mother and she regrets having her kid, so I thought about going up to her and asking how her kid was or if she managed to get rid of him yet.  That wouldn’t have been classy, so I just watched her and the other hatchet faced TRAMP giggle and flirt with him like COMMON STREET WALKERS.

I’m not really worried about the competition, ‘cuz the one chick is a bitter single mother and the other looks like she’s eating fire.  Hopefully he has more sense than to fuck either one of them, but you never know.

I spent the rest of the class trying to impress him with my wit and humor.  You know how it goes when you’re trying to impress someone, it usually backfires.  The rest of the class is looking at me like “What the fuck!”, since during the past five weeks I’ve barely spoken a word and now suddenly I’m Lisa Lampanelli.  Plus, my wit and humor usually comes off to most people as bitchy and cunty, so hopefully I didn’t make him think I’m an asshole.

At the end of the night I didn’t even get to talk to him alone.  Oh well.  So, basically the rest of this week is being spent on a dieting and exercise regime.  I’ve also come up with a multitude of Lucy and Ethel type schemes to set in motion next Monday.  We’ll see how I do.

So, I finally came into the 21st century and got Tivo.  It’s an interesting little device.  I’m not sure yet what the big deal is, but I guess I’ll figure it out.

In all seriousness, is John McCain fucking kidding with this Sarah Palin nonsense?  This woman is nothing more than common trailer trash.  She’s like Britney Spears, but without the class.  She can barely put words together to make a complete sentence.  She speaks in some sort of Alaskan Ebonics and acts as if she just got off the short bus.  Alaska must be a pretty fucked up place if this is the best they’ve got.  I think McCain must seriously be deliberately trying to lose this election, which is fine by me.

I’m sure this is not even real.  I don’t know where it came from, but it’s fierce.

All hail as it is the Queen’s birthday.  Worship her!  WORSHIP HER, BITCHES! SHE IS YOUR QUEEN!

What a hot piece.

OK, so I went to the Regeneration Tour last night in LA.  Here’s my review.  For the most part it was OK.  I didn’t expect much and I wasn’t disappointed.  I only really wanted to see Belinda Carlisle and The Human League.

I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed Naked Eyes and ABC.  I was never a fan of either, but they put on good sets.  In reality, Naked Eyes and ABC are nothing more than the original front men with a backing band but that didn’t matter because who the hell cares about the bassist or synth player anyway.  Pete Byrne from Naked Eyes was really the only singer of the night that gave any personality and Martin Fry of ABC really has a great voice.  That’s about all I can say about them.

On to Belinda…the main reason I went.  She was fabulous.  She gave a great performance and sang all of her hits Mad About You, I Get Weak, Circle in the Sand, Leave a Light On, Heaven is a Place on Earth plus Vacation, Our Lips Are Sealed and We Got The Beat.  She did leave out Big Scary Animal, but that’s OK.  The only time I really smiled and enjoyed myself the entire night was when Belinda was on.  There’s something about the way she sings and the type of songs she does that make you want to get up and dance and sing along with every note, she’s very infectious.  It really was heaven on Earth

Sigh…now onto The Human League.  I’ve wanted to see them for years…sigh…after all Don’t You Want Me has to be one of the greatest songs of the 80’s if not of all time, right?  Little did I know they SUCKED!  Probably the biggest concert disappointment I’ve ever experienced.  First of all the sound seemed to go up about 50 decibels from the previous sets which was painful enough, literally, but then to add the crappy music they were playing and it was too much.  The sound wasn’t even the worst of it, the entire set had problems.  It was an electronica, techno, douchy, shit fest to the 10^th degree put on by Lex Luthor and Patsy and Edina from Ab Fab.  I realize that The Human League was sort of experimental back in the day, but they can stop experimenting any time now.  It’s been 30 years.  I almost left after the first few songs because it was that bad and my ears were bleeding, but then I changed my mind because I felt I was owed (Keep Feeling) Fascination and Don’t You Want Me for making me listen to the shit they were playing.  To top it all off they didn’t even do Heart Like A Wheel, which is one of my favorite Human League songs.  It was a total downer to the high I was .. Belinda.  The best thing I can say about the set was that Philip Oakey’s voice was great, although hearing it at 250 decibels made it difficult to enjoy.

I almost got into an argument with some hot guys in the lobby because I said Belinda should have been the headliner.  One guy said The Human League had more hits.  NOT.  For the record, dude…every song Belinda sang with the exception of the first one was a top 10 hit.  That’s not including the 3 Go-Go’s top 10’s she sang.  The Human League only had 3 top 10’s in their entire career, at least in the US.  Not exactly headlining material.