jonchristiansen.net Blog

Gay Bathhouse Rules

Tuesday July 08th 2008, 2:24 pm
Filed under: Nancy Grace, Extra Gay, Folsom, funny, truth, God, Genius, Forum, Bathhouse, gay

Comments?

Keep these handy and hilarious tips in mind next time you’re at the tubs…..

People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing jockstraps. ….

Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis…..

You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool…..

It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water…..

Saying “I’m resting” to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths…..

If everyone who said “I don’t come here often” was telling the truth, there would be no one there…..

Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners…..

Conversations in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans, notices that “I’m coming,” and invitations to do it in a room instead are acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of cockrings are not…..

If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place…..

Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. It is better to look good than to see good…..

Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the Great Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that’s the way it works…..

Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not make you popular…..

If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that many people would find it a capital offense…..

Finish what you start…..

If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table, before entering, be certain you know the purpose of all three items…..

When it’s past the wrist is not the time to say “no”…..

It’s okay to bring your own rope; it’s not okay to tie yourself up…..

Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it…..

If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don’t make a scene should you discover him there…..

People who say, “I’ve never done that before,” should be informed that the ability to deep throat is not genetic…..

Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again…..

The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you are there…..

In the dark all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six inches…..

Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically proficient, but men with big dicks don’t have to know a damn thing…..

Doing it for ….England…. is as valid a reason for doing it as any…..

After you’ve been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine…..

Asking to borrow someone’s cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone’s comb…..

Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number to the front desk you will inevitably be in a position impossible to get out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself…..

You can cause a panic by yelling, “There’s a man in room 379!”….

For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you are the only one there in a solid state…..

Giggling is not a correct response to, “Wanna fuck?”….

If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the “rest section”, you did not have a good time…..

It is pointless to consider why guys who won’t even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths…..

Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two “an item.” More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible to commit bigamy…..

For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with someone you already know…..

No one ever believes the line, “We’re really not lovers.”….

At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator sport…..

Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane waste of time…..

Never try to explain the baths to heterosexuals…..

Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot..

Georgina..’s law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for your benefit, not theirs…..

Formal attire means a black jockstrap…..

Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean…..

You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick…..

Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using poppers. A man in ….New Jersey claims to do it all the time. ….

And those are the Rules Of The Baths. Use them wisely and pass the knowledge along to those newcomers who may need it…..

Fierce article I found on some website

Friday April 25th 2008, 1:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized, douchebag catholics, funny, Obama, God, Anal Sex, Anal

Comments?

Anal Sex in Accordance with God’s Will

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

You may be shocked at first by this idea. Isn’t anal sex (sodomy) forbidden by the Bible? Isn’t anal sex dirty? What’s the difference between having anal sex before marriage and having regular intercourse? Let’s address these issues by debunking some myths about anal sex and God’s will.

“I thought the Bible said anal sex was a sin.”

This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: “How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ‘ Who will come against me?’ (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

“Isn’t anal sex dirty?”

The Bible says, “To the pure, all things are pure.” (Titus 1:15) The Lord created your body, and no part of it is imperfect or unclean. God also created our bodies for pleasure, and anal sex is just one of the many ways, including standard sexual intercourse, that we can enjoy this pleasure and share it with a partner.

Although the anus is used for elimination, in reality it is not as dirty as you think, especially after a shower or bath. Elimination is also a natural process of our God-given bodies, so our conception of the anal area as dirty has more to do with our own psychological hang-ups. If the idea of direct contact with this area is still distasteful to you, the male can wear a condom as a barrier

“If you’re going to have anal sex, why not just have regular sex?”

This is a good question: If you’re going to have sexual contact before marriage, why not just go the whole nine yards and have regular sex? There are many good reasons for having anal sex instead. The first reason is practical: having conventional vaginal intercourse can lead to unwanted pregnancies. While it’s true that the Lord bade us to “be fruitful and multiply,” (Gen 1:22) the Bible also counsels that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecl. 3:1) Pregnancy outside of wedlock can have dire and life-altering consequences for all those involved. Having anal sex allows you to greatly reduce this risk.

Second, for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.

Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage. This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner. Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.

The Greatest Movie EVER!

Friday February 15th 2008, 11:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized, Extra Hotness, Extra Gay, funny, Pam, greatest movie ever

Comments?

Sarah Silverman RULES!

Friday October 26th 2007, 8:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized, Jimmy Kimmel, Extra Hotness, Bea Arthur, Extra Gay, funny, Sarah Silverman

Comments?

Sarah Silverman FUCKING RULES! Have you seen the show? It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. She is fucking genius. Love her. Watch it on Comedy Central.

This shit is funny

Saturday October 06th 2007, 1:11 pm
Filed under: funny

Comments?

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, “You must be single.”
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six
items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity
getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”