Asshole

On Monday I assumed the session would be the same as usual…wrong!  A few minutes after the class starts I look up and see this vision walking into the room and he comes right up and sits directly in front of me.  I hear the sound of a choir and the voices of angels.  This guy is STUNNING!  The only word to describe him is stunning, STUNNING!  My idea of the PERFECT man.  After five weeks this Heaven sent creature walks in.  Wow!

Needless to say I didn’t hear a fucking word the instructor said for the next hour and a half as I sat with my mouth open, totally focused on this guy.  I think she caught me staring at him a few times too.  Oh well.  I totally composed poems in his honor and even named our children and decided where they’d go to university.  I think Princeton will do.

When the half point of the class came we were given a break.  I rushed to the rest room to check myself out and make sure I was presentable enough to meet my husband.  When I got back out these two WHORE SKANK CUNT SLEEZEBAG BITCHES were already talking to him.  Cock blocking TRASH!  I thought for a moment about interrupting them and knocking the whores down onto the pavement, but I didn’t want to make a bad impression on him.  One of these chicks already told the class that she’s a young mother and she regrets having her kid, so I thought about going up to her and asking how her kid was or if she managed to get rid of him yet.  That wouldn’t have been classy, so I just watched her and the other hatchet faced TRAMP giggle and flirt with him like COMMON STREET WALKERS.

I’m not really worried about the competition, ‘cuz the one chick is a bitter single mother and the other looks like she’s eating fire.  Hopefully he has more sense than to fuck either one of them, but you never know.

I spent the rest of the class trying to impress him with my wit and humor.  You know how it goes when you’re trying to impress someone, it usually backfires.  The rest of the class is looking at me like “What the fuck!”, since during the past five weeks I’ve barely spoken a word and now suddenly I’m Lisa Lampanelli.  Plus, my wit and humor usually comes off to most people as bitchy and cunty, so hopefully I didn’t make him think I’m an asshole.

At the end of the night I didn’t even get to talk to him alone.  Oh well.  So, basically the rest of this week is being spent on a dieting and exercise regime.  I’ve also come up with a multitude of Lucy and Ethel type schemes to set in motion next Monday.  We’ll see how I do.

OK, so I went to the Regeneration Tour last night in LA.  Here’s my review.  For the most part it was OK.  I didn’t expect much and I wasn’t disappointed.  I only really wanted to see Belinda Carlisle and The Human League.

I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed Naked Eyes and ABC.  I was never a fan of either, but they put on good sets.  In reality, Naked Eyes and ABC are nothing more than the original front men with a backing band but that didn’t matter because who the hell cares about the bassist or synth player anyway.  Pete Byrne from Naked Eyes was really the only singer of the night that gave any personality and Martin Fry of ABC really has a great voice.  That’s about all I can say about them.

On to Belinda…the main reason I went.  She was fabulous.  She gave a great performance and sang all of her hits Mad About You, I Get Weak, Circle in the Sand, Leave a Light On, Heaven is a Place on Earth plus Vacation, Our Lips Are Sealed and We Got The Beat.  She did leave out Big Scary Animal, but that’s OK.  The only time I really smiled and enjoyed myself the entire night was when Belinda was on.  There’s something about the way she sings and the type of songs she does that make you want to get up and dance and sing along with every note, she’s very infectious.  It really was heaven on Earth

Sigh…now onto The Human League.  I’ve wanted to see them for years…sigh…after all Don’t You Want Me has to be one of the greatest songs of the 80’s if not of all time, right?  Little did I know they SUCKED!  Probably the biggest concert disappointment I’ve ever experienced.  First of all the sound seemed to go up about 50 decibels from the previous sets which was painful enough, literally, but then to add the crappy music they were playing and it was too much.  The sound wasn’t even the worst of it, the entire set had problems.  It was an electronica, techno, douchy, shit fest to the 10^th degree put on by Lex Luthor and Patsy and Edina from Ab Fab.  I realize that The Human League was sort of experimental back in the day, but they can stop experimenting any time now.  It’s been 30 years.  I almost left after the first few songs because it was that bad and my ears were bleeding, but then I changed my mind because I felt I was owed (Keep Feeling) Fascination and Don’t You Want Me for making me listen to the shit they were playing.  To top it all off they didn’t even do Heart Like A Wheel, which is one of my favorite Human League songs.  It was a total downer to the high I was .. Belinda.  The best thing I can say about the set was that Philip Oakey’s voice was great, although hearing it at 250 decibels made it difficult to enjoy.

I almost got into an argument with some hot guys in the lobby because I said Belinda should have been the headliner.  One guy said The Human League had more hits.  NOT.  For the record, dude…every song Belinda sang with the exception of the first one was a top 10 hit.  That’s not including the 3 Go-Go’s top 10’s she sang.  The Human League only had 3 top 10’s in their entire career, at least in the US.  Not exactly headlining material.